Quietly Rummaging

Tonight I find myself in a mood that I familiar with. A quiet one. Listening to my inner thoughts, and trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am searching for in this life. Someone recently asked me "Well what do you want?" and I said "I just want to be happy", Which was followed with "Well what makes you happy?" And there I sat.

Generally speaking I am a happy person... So what I have already composes happiness. Of course there are other things that would make me happier, like a new house and a new car. However, those are not things that I can concern my mind with right now, they are not with in reach. And simply, they are just objects.

I have been delving into soul exploration , trying to figure out who I am at this moment, and what could be added to make my heart and mind culminate, finally agreeing to be satisfied. I put a lot onto my own shoulders, trying to make sure that everything is just right. Blaming myself for ridiculous behavior from my children, hoping that I am disciplining the right way, work, am I working hard enough, am I being too concerned over small matters, is this or that really important, home duties, washing, folding, vacuuming, the never ending "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" battle, and finding time to show the people in my life I care about them... I find that I have had little time to really think "what exactly is it that will assemble fulfillment".

So as this year comes to its finale, hope buds. New opportunities will emerge, encouraging us to move forward, try one more time. For 2011 I have decided to do many things, but they all fall into the same category; Self Discovery and Invention. Because at the end of the day, isn't the one thing that can make any of us happy, only ourselves? Are we not taught that enlightenment and bliss come from with in?

The things we do for others and for ourselves, when we do something kind for some one else with out boasting about it, when we take credit for all things we have done good or bad, helping with out having been asked, listening with out worrying about what our next reply will be, to smile, to laugh, to hold and be held, are these not things that make us all feel superb? Certainly. To be able to get to the point where we can do these things, contentment and good character has be to present, and that my friends, fuels my goal for 2011.

Here is to a more self aware, ambitious, and courageous me :)

Happy Twenty-Eleven

Happy Birthday!

25 years ago something very special was given to me. Life. I have tried very hard not to take that for granted, because what so eaisly was given can also be taken away. From my gift of life I have passed it forward twice. Noah and Lillian are the two best things I have ever been given. So today I am remembering all those people who have added to my life in one way or the other. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

My Morning:

"Hey Noah... Guess what today is?"

"What Mom?"

"It's My birthday!"

"Oh...That's cool Mom"

"Will you sing me Happy Birthday?"

"I don't know the words to Happy Birtday..."

So I sang Noah Happy Birthday. He smiled, then turned around and starting singing Lillian Happy Birthday. Haha!

Little Pleasures

I, along with most everyone else we know, have been going through tough times. They may not be similar to anyone else's, they may be identical to someone else's. To me, they are unique. To me they are MY struggles. Ones that I overcome and persevere.

However, I do have something special that I get all to myself. Little hugs, and smiles. Loving hands that grab mine, directing me towards the crayons and coloring books, towards the cars and blocks. Sweet voices asking me to play dolls, or put puzzles together. The times I have with my children are the best I know.

They are the calm to my storm, and help me to stay grounded. Getting to see the simple joys in life through their eyes is a priceless gift they have given me. A kind word, a hug, a special treat, or a movie they have been wanting to see will put the biggest of smiles on their face, a sparkle in their eye and it melts my heart. It makes me feel like a hero, and that I could do anything. I am so lucky to have them. The only thing in life that I truly hope for, is that they know how much they are loved and cared for.

I hope to continue to carry their hearts in mine, remembering to stay kind and innocent. Remembering to love everyone for who they are, and always telling them so. I hope that my heart continues to know no hate, and only compassion. And this way, there is only happiness.

Dear Dad

There are far and few days in between the times I sit back and think of you. In your arms I always felt safe, under your care I had no worries. At the time I do not think you realized how much I wanted to feel belonged to, yet you never made me feel out of place. Dad, I love you.

I know I often cried myself to sleep wishing to find out who the man was that helped breath life into my soul, but all the time I did not realize it was you. I do not remember a time before you were there, and forever you will be my Dad.

I know today that you would be proud of me, and praise me for the things I have accomplished, but you should know that with out you, I would not have made it this far. With out our tragedies and short comings, you could not have helped me to become who I am today. And for that I thank you. Although you have been gone for 10 years this July, I have felt you by my side guiding me, reminding me of things I have once forgotten.

There are days when I wait for you to walk through the door, smelling like the restaurant, with the look of exhaustion showing on your face and weighing heavy on your shoulders. Your arms could not stretch wide enough to get us all in them. Remembering you is like a baseball game on a warm summer night, with a hot dog, and ice cream. It's throwing around footballs, and baseballs in the back yard. (I wish I had held onto that glove.) It's driving in the middle of the night to see the Northern Lights, fire works on the roof, and Thanksgiving. Your always here on Thanksgiving, your team is playing on my TV, I have made your stuffed celery, and I can not get enough of the togetherness of that day. You have shown me how valuable family is, and I wish every day that you could see my children smile, but somehow I am sure that you do. I love you and miss you very much.

~*~I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never with out it. where ever I go, you go... Here is the deepest secret nobody knows, here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope, or mind can hide, and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.~*~

By E.E. Cummings

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hello, My name is Broken, and I am a record. I play over and over on a continuous loop, you will hear me repeat myself many times.... Hope you enjoy this little treat :)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Today, as most days, I am ever present of what time it is. My day usually ticks by in 20 minute intervals at work. But then I sit back, and I see all the years that have just whizzed by since I have had my son. And how it flew by even faster after my daughter. My home life is counted in weeks. This week, that week, paid week, non-paid week, my week, his week.

When I was younger I thought being 20 was ancient. Now I look at the 20 year old's who are in my life, and I think how they are still just babies, being ushered out into the world. How they are in college, or starting jobs. How the full weight of responsibility is bearing down on their still too fragile shoulders.

Some times I feel that I am too young to have some of the responsibilities that I have. Often I think of what it would be like if I were still only responsible for myself. Most of the time I think that if I had waited a little longer to start a home life, that I would have went back to college one more time, or found out what I really wanted to be in life so that I could offer my children a better life.

However, I am truly thankful for the distraction they give me, the purpose in life they give me. They have made me who I am, responsible. They make me push myself when I feel that I have no where else to go, they teach me to open my eyes and see everything with great opportunity. They give me so much and do not ask for anything in return but my love. And how I love them, they are the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart, the spring in my step, and always the smile that is on my face.

Every time I feel weak, beaten down, defeated, or lost, I think of them and they give me a whole new direction and perspective on my life. The older they get, the better I want to be. My baby will be two on June 5th. TWO!!!! I remember the night she was born, I remember craving to hold her, longing to kiss her, snuggle her, and love her with all that I had. Every day she surprises me with a new word, a new phrase. Last night she surprised me (partly because I was half asleep on the couch) when she woke up in the middle of the night, and I hear "PEEE PEEE". I am very surprised that my sweet little girl woke up in the middle of the night to go pee {VICTORY!}. I may be bias, but my kids are genius.

This week with my kids has pushed me into another direction. I am going to go back to school. It becomes so tiresome worrying about having enough food for us to eat, gas to drive us around, electric to keep us cool or warm, plus all the little wants they have. I want my kids to be proud to be home. I want my son to say that my house is cool like his dad's (haha... yes, yes, it is JUST a home...) I want for them to have all they need, and want (with in reason of course!), I want to breath easy, I want to truly be able to relax and not worry anymore. What kind of example am I if I just sit back and let this opportunity to pass me by? How will I ever convince them to continue their education if I do not? So here is to my sweet little ones, who have once again opened my eyes, and shown me a path that I would have walked right by.

Mother's Day

Dear Noah and Lillian,

I love you so much, and I miss you terribly! I am so happy that I get to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow is Mother's day, and right now your too young to know how important that is, but to me it means a lot. It reminds me of the drives to the hospital when you were on your way, it reminds me of the first laughs and giggles, the diaper changes, the small outfits, bottles, baby food... all the amazing times that have passed, and all the amazing times yet to come.

You are my world, and I love you so much, can't wait for tomorrow!

Love Mom.

From My heart To Yours

Noah and Lillian definitely inherited my heart. They are loving, appreciative, thankful and love to snuggle! This has been the best weekend ever. Of course I feel this way anytime I get to spend the whole day with them. This weekend was time to celebrate easter. It was a very busy weekend for them, and for me. They had an Easter egg hunt friday with their grandparents. They had another Easter egg hunt at their grandfather's sisters house, Aunt Brenda. She always does it big for the family. It is important to that side of the family to gather together and celebrate. Usually she has a HUGE, and I mean HHUUGGEE Easter egg hung, over 300 eggs hidden around her front yard, that is equally as spacious. Before the hunt, everyone is inside eating a buffet style meal, partaking in conversation and showing off the newest members to the family. Several helpers sneak away to go out and hide the dozens of eggs. There are at least 15 kids who are old enough to understand and still young enough to enjoy the hunt, a few babies who are not old enough to understand but still with the help of parents get a few eggs. For some they find the special eggs filled with money! This is part of the contest. She has had pony rides in the past, this year the economy is still in progress of getting better, so they were not there this year, so I heard. I did not attend this time. Noah with with his Dad's bothers and their families, as well as his grandparents. They had a blast! They came home touched by the sun and tuckered out.

After the kids were to bed, I made their Easter baskets, and filled Easter eggs to hid in the yard. I got Noah three books, three cars, M&M's and of course a chocolate bunny. For Lilly, she got three books, two bracelets, a headband, M&M's and chocolate bunny.

Anticipation is everything. On Christmas their Dad can hardly wait to get them up in the morning to show them what Santa brought them. I felt that way this morning. Whenever I get to see their faces light up, its amazing! And then to hear them say "Thank you Mommy" it melts my heart. While they were playing with the new things they got from the Easter Bunny, I was able to sneak out the back door for a minute and hide the eggs in the yard. They were so excited when I opened the blinds and notice some colorful eggs outside. Noah practically yelled "THE EASTER BUNNY LEFT US SOME EGGS!" So we donned some shoes, and grabbed the baskets and headed outside for the hunt. They were dashing around the yard scooping up eggs. It seemed like it only took seconds, and I wished I had filled tons more eggs! Next year, I may try to get some more eggs, and more little ones to join in on the hunt. The more the merrier!

We came in, emptied the eggs into ziplock bags, and pretty much loaded up on sugar all day. I love those two more than anything, they make all I do worth it just to see them smile!

I may be bias, but they really are the best kids ever! I am so thankful to have gotten to spend the day with them!

I don't miss you yet

I have not posted in a while, tonight is going to be just a short note from my day today.

I usually get my children back on Sundays. However their dad needed me to get them Saturday. Noah had decided he wanted to stay at his Nanny and Papa's house so he could go to church on Sunday. Not a problem with me, I don't often get alone time with Lillian, plus she is sick so I knew I could count on some good snuggle time. Lilly and I ended up falling asleep on the couch together, which totally amazed me because she has never fallen asleep with me before. Noah was always my baby who wanted to be held, and snuggled. It wasn't until about 16 months old that he finally started going to sleep in his own bed. He still slips into my bed sometime in the middle of the night every now and then. Sometimes I do not notice, and other times I miss the days when I would snuggle him, so I let him stay. Usually Lillian just get cranky until I suggest that she head to bed, where she will quickly fall asleep. So to have her crash on the couch with me was awesome!

Today Lillian and I had a great day together, we played dolly's, colored, ate lunch, took a walk outside, she took a nap, I did laundry and cleaned the house. I sat down towards the end of Lillian's nap and looked at the time. It was 4:30. My day had flown by. I also realized that I had not heard from the kid's grandparents. So I gave them a call. Noah was doing good as usual, and I said I can come pick him up, that I was going to wake Lilly up in just a bit. Nanny had run out to the store, and Papa said he would have her call me back.

About 20 min later, Lilly was up eating a snack, and Nanny called me. Noah had asked to stay the night again. I miss my little man, but I know he loves his grandparents. Noah use to be the only, and then the baby came along. I know he enjoys getting his alone times with those he loves. I did ask to talk to him to tell him I love him, and miss him. This was our conversation;

Noah: "I just want to stay at Nanny and Papa's"

Mommy: "Hi baby! I love you! You going to be a good boy for your Nanny and Papa?"

Noah: "Yes."

Mommy: "I miss you baby"

Noah: "I not miss you yet"

Mommy: "Oh, well, when you do miss me, you going to come home?"

Noah: "I just playing mommy, I miss you."

Mommy: "Ok baby, you be a good boy, love you"

Noah: "OKmommyloveyoubyyyyeee!"

Kids. Gotta love them right? Right, you can't help it.

How your cWAtch?

I tell you some days I really just love my life. I really enjoy comedy, and it seems that a lot of funny stuff happens around/to me. Unfortunately I have a horrid memory, so unless it was super funny, or I write it down (like on here) I tend to forget it. On second thought, maybe my lack of memory is the reason my life is so good! Ha!

OK, so at work my assistant manager Evelyn keeps bugging me about my work pants. I don't think they look bad, she thinks they are a little tight/look like workout pants/too short/or some other thing I can't remember. I however find that they are my most comfortable work pants. Tired of hearing it every time I wear them, I grabbed my too large to wear work pants and brought them with me today to get taken in on my lunch. I think Evelyn did a black flip, in her high heals :)

I have never had anything tailored before, so this was a new experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty good idea what was going to happen. After getting detailed directions from Evelyn, I made my way down to Jenny's Tailor in Cary. I pull up, grab my clothes and go in.

I pull open the door, and I hear this dull beep (I find out later on my way out that is is a wireless door alarm you can buy pretty much anywhere, and they taped it to the door with what appeared to be packing tape... classy). To my right there is the neon blue couch and an old Asian man zoned out on it. I hear the TV playing some sort or soap opera. He says to me "You need to try on?" and pointed to the dressing room. I said "HUH?" *haha... internal giggle here.* Then he calls to his partner in crime, Mrs. Jenny (I suppose). She comes out from behind piles, and piles of clothes hung up on racks with slips of paper attached to them. I ask her some simple questions, and then ask her as if I knew all along what I am suppose to do "You need me to try these on?" she points and says yes.

So I head in there, and pull the makeshift door closed. Change into one of the pants and sweaters, go out and show her how I want the shirt, she starts to walk away like that was all I needed, and I say "what about the pants?" and she says "what you want?" I ask her to take them in some at the waist, and then I notice that when I squat a little that the front pokes out. So she does the reach around... yea. And grabs hold of my crotch. She was in that area for what seemed like ten minutes, pinning and marking with chalk. Then the most hilarious thing ever. She looked at me stone cold and says "how's your cWAtch?"

There I am, staring at my crotch, fighting back a fit of laughter, and I just say "it's good". She points to the dressing room again, and like a lost puppy, I head back in. Change, and out again. I once again show her how I want this shirt, and then onto the pants. "How your cWATCh?" I must have had a look on my face, because she yelled it at me next, "HOW YOU CWATCH ON THIS PANT?" "Fine, its good." I even reached down and shielded it with my hand. She points, I go. Thank God that is over.

Moral of the story, New pants and shirts $60.00. Two shirts, two paints taken in $44.00. Having "How's your cWAtch?" yelled at you, priceless!

Eww Mommy! She Stinks!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! *groan* Snooze. As I'm laying there, I am haunted by a question I'm sure many people have asked... Why a nine minute snooze? (later on I sort of found my answer here.) Before I had time to ponder about this, and before I really had time to "snooze", I see the back of a little boy creeping around my door. The same little boy who use to come scampering into my room, hop into my bed, is now tip toeing around very mischievously.

"Noah... What are you doing?"

"It's mornin' time Mommy." (incase I missed the memo...)

"Yes son, I know that, but why are you sneaking around?"

"I'm just checkin' it out mom."

And how can I argue with that? He has only slept here once before last night. I had just moved to this new place at the ending of our last week together.

I managed to unfurl my self from the cocoon of blankets. As usual he wants a pop tart, some juice and nick jr. Your wish is my command Little Master. Not long and Lilly is making noise from the bedroom. I wonder what it is like to wake up and be full of energy. She comes bouncing out of her room on tip toes "juuuice..." One cup of juice for the Little Lady coming up.

Kids settled on the couch, this is my time to hastily get ready for my day. I have the whole thing timed down to 40 minutes, this is to maximize on my sleep time while still looking fresh and rested, let the count down begin!

Half way through my speedy routine I hear "EWW LILLY, YOU STINK!" And here comes Noah trotting into my bathroom with his nose buried into the crack of his elbow.

"What's wrong son?"

"She pooted"

"I'm sure the smell is gone Noah, go sit back on the couch and eat your breakfast."

"uht uhh" (three year old for No.)

And then I watch as if I'm at a dog race, "And they're off, #1 running to the room. Following closely is #2, and she is gaining speed. Around the bend, here they come again, #2 on the tail of #1. I hear whining coming from #1, its a warning to #2 to back off. Around the coffee table, through the kitchen and back to the room..." After a few more laps around the house, and all the crying and whining I could stand so early in the morning, I decided to intervene. Pop tart crumbs scattered from the living room to their bedroom, this is unacceptable. I try to tell Noah that the smell (which I find it hard to believe could have been very offensive to him) is gone, I even fanned her butt to ensure there was nothing still lingering around. No good. This kept up until I was finished. Oh well, you win some, you loose some.

They are pretty good about getting their clothes on, and shoes and coats wrangled up. Ever since Lilly and figured out that she can do it her self all I hear about everything is "self... self" so I let her have at it! Lunch is already packed, I grabbed Noah' lunch box out of the fridge and put it in is back pack, and I set it on the table.

Finishing up a few details, and we are set to go. We piled out to the car, and zoomed off. Half way down the road I realized I forgot his dern back pack! After a perfectly executed three-point turn, a quick dash inside, we are back on track.

Once the kids are dropped off, I have a 30 minute-ish drive to work. Bob and The Showgram have a permanent residency on my morning drive. Once I'm to work, it's business as usual. The morning flies by, lunch was satisfying and the second half of my day was not that shabby either. Rushing home to my babies is a constant gamble... How fast is fast enough to satisfy my need for speed, and still not get pulled? (guh... yes, this is one of my bad habits. I'm working on it, one MPH at a time.)

Kids in the car, strapped in, its time to finally relax. On our short 10 minute drive home we have decided we are going to watch a movie after bath time. Children after my own heart they agree on Sleeping Beauty. The three of us snuggle up on the couch, watch our movie and as soon as it is finished its off to bed. They really are at times so well behaved, I just sit back in amazement. Kisses, hugs and then tucked in, its Mommy time!

Blog entry completed, its time for me to nestle back into my cocoon and dream about what's in store for tomorrow, G'night!

~Cholie

(side note: as I'm laying in bed writing this, I heard a ca-clunk-bang come from the other side of the house, AKA; the kids half. So I ventured down that hall, flipped on the light to find that my daughter Lilly was not where I had left her. She couldn't have gone far, since I can see straight into their room from mine... and then I see this pint sized foot poking out from under the bed. How she managed to get from on top, to under, and I mean ALL the way under the bed is beyond me. Kids, they're amazing!)

Laundry what? Dishes who?

So as usual life has been getting in the way of my blogging. Work takes most of my time, but who's does it not? Often I find myself saying, "I should be...", "I need to be...", or "Why am I not...". I have been trying to take more time out of my packed schedule to breath, and take in a TV show, chat on the computer and when my kids are home, spend every second I can with them.

My mom once passed on a very important piece of information I hold closer to my heart, more so now than ever before. She said "The dishes can wait. Laundry will be pilled up tomorrow. This moment with your babies will be gone if you miss it."

I often look back at old pictures, old home movies of when my babies were really babies. They are three and almost two. I have my hands full with them, but they are my reason for everything I do.

A little back story here would be, like a lot of people now a days, I am a single parent. My ex-husband and I take turns with the children. One week with me, One week with him... so on and so forth. It works for us, and I thank God everyday that he is such a great dad and he wants to be a part of their life as much as I do.

It took us a long time to get to where we are now. We believe in the same discipline, same values and goals. We both want what is best for our children, and we work together, still, to make sure that happens. We both went into this swearing we would never be where we are today. But it happened anyway. So now that I only see my kids every other week, it is always present to me how fast they are growing up. My son was potty trained by 20 months, and my daughter is so close to victory. I remember all the days I spent getting Noah use to the potty, telling him what its for, the training pants, the mistake of putting on big boy undies too soon, the carpet cleanings, the poo all over my bathroom floor. And now he goes in, does his thing, and needs no help from me. Some days I do miss changing the diapers, I miss making the bottles, I miss feeding them and watching them learn to feed their selves.

However, I enjoy so much watching my little boy make complete sentences, have his own ideas, seeing his personality emerge. Lillian's personality has been ever present from that first night in the hospital. It continues to grow, and I see how independent and sweet she is. And for all that they have gone through in their short lives, they are amazing. They have a lot of people in their lives that love them. And as cliche as this sounds, it really does take a village. With out the help, understanding and compassion from our families, I do not know where we would be.

So here I am kicking off my new blog. I hope that what I share finds some familiarity in your own life. I hope to share my struggles and triumphs with you, and I hope to hear yours too!

~Cholie