Sunset

And here I stand. At the end of the sidewalk, at the end of the road. My shadow has already raced across. I look back once more, just to feel the warmth on my face. In the dusk of this moment, lives the future of the next. So, I walk.

Good Grief!

I am a big people watcher and often I sit back and watch situations unfold, wondering what the heck some people are thinking. I never understood how two perfect strangers could be mean right off the bat to each other, i.e., upset customer screaming at a customer service rep on the phone, some one tailing you in the rain because your not driving fast enough, the patient that storms in late demanding to be instantly taken back or else its your head on a platter.... And so many more.

I bring up this topic because as a Mom it is my constant duty to raise my children up with good morals and ethics. Lately I have been trying to teach the kids what is nice, and what is mean. And relating that to their own feelings when some one is mean to them. 

What I am showing them is basically the "Golden Rule". Do unto others as you would have others do unto you... Or Matthew 7:12.

We all mimic each other... Experiment: go smile at some strangers and see how many do not smile back. It's hard.  But more often than not, people are more willing to share a scowl than a grin. I don't see the point. If we all would go back to the basics, remember the lessons taught early in life and be KIND to each other, things could be different. (I feel like I am on a soap box here....)

Anyways, this is a close and personal subject to my heart. I do not like seeing people being unnecessarily mean to other people... not that there necessarily is a time to be mean. Being mean is a choice, it takes a lot of effort, going out of your way, and just too much time! 

 It is much easier to take a gentler approach, and hopefully it would be sincere.

Let's just all be kind, and if you can't... at least take the high road.

Destroyer

What throws a temper tantrum, crosses her arms, slumps on the bed and exclaims "YOU DESTROYED MY WHOLE LIFE!"? No, I am not the mother to a teenage girl... she is THREE! Lord  help me.

Between the constant battle of her only wanting to wear a dress, pushing her brother, and just being set on go at all times, my biggest goal for her is to take the diva out of the equation. I do not want to squash the person she is growing up to be, but there has to be some restraint. For my son, age three was the worst, and shortly after his fourth birthday things just clicked into place. He became laid back, followed directions, and helped lead sister to do the right things. Granted she was two, and I don't care what all the books say, or that saying "terrible twos", two was a fabulous age. Three... that is what they don't tell you.

I am hoping as her fourth birthday is approaching that she too will mellow out a little... deep down, I doubt it! haha. In all seriousness, I love this spunky little girl, and I hope to nurture the spunk, humor and compassion that comes out of her, I just want the drama queen to take a hike!

Keep your fingers crossed, I have a count down on my calendar, 21 more days.

Clean Your Plate

A few years ago I was watching this special on TV that was talking about people who have been conditioned to "clean their plates", which apparently has contributed to obesity. They also touched on plates being bigger, and making it so that not only are we clearing our plates, but we are clearing our much larger plates.

I remember growing up that my parents would fix my plate, and I had to eat it. Period. I remember once being put to nap and missed out on snack because I didn't want to eat spinach from a can... or at all for that matter. It was green, limp and slimy... My opinion on it has changed as I have gotten older, I love it (and not just because I don't want to take a nap, I love those now too).

Another exciting transition growing up was, "If you want to make your plate, that is fine, but you have to eat everything you put on your plate" and my Dad's famous saying "So I guess your eyes were bigger than your stomach".

Now that I have children of my own, I am in a constant inner stuggle of "Finish your meal" and "Eat until your full". I do not do a lot of sweets with my kids, just because I never think of it, I crave them so far and few between that it is just not a part of my diet. However we do have popcorn often. And I have tried to use it as leverage before in getting them to eat a meal, and then also I wondered if it was hindering their meal because they didn't want to fill up on dinner so they could have popcorn.

When I make their plates, I keep in mind that they are small, and I do not put a lot on there. I feel it is important for them to finish it so they get all the nutrients they need, but on the other hand I don't want them to be "Stuffed", or to be conditioned to continue eating until visually they see there is no more food left. I want them to learn it is ok to push the plate away when they are full.... I just wonder what age you start teaching this... Is 3 and 5 too young?

I find that I am probably the strickt parent.... ok no probably about it, I'm the bad cop.

For Simplicity right?

Today I opened my computer, and a my browser sprang to life and right there in digital back and white was a story of the top 10 industries in decline (to see click HERE).

I was not surprised to see some of the ones that were listed, like video stores and news papers. Considering that we can get a hold of anything via the web, what is the need to have the copy of the local paper delivered to your front door step? Why go out and buy that new CD when you can download it? Same goes for that book on the best seller list.

It makes me envision lofty condos, streamlined furniture, bold color schemes... and the absence of bookshelves. I do find that I favor the simplicity of the photos that follow. However, it does make me think about what I grew up with, and how I remember the stories of change in my parents lives, even in my grandparents lives. I never thought that I would see any significant change in my life, because so much has changed from 40 or 50 years ago... how much more COULD change? (Even though I specifically remember when I was in second grade, my teacher asked us to picture

what the future would bring... all of us thought that we would be in flying cars by now...sheesh)

Well, apparently a lot could change. In the age that we are living in most everything is becoming digital. Photos, music, books, voices, instruments, you name it.

To me however, I really hope that some things stay the same. I want to hold a book in my hand, not hold a portable devices that is backlit, and so... sterile. I would really miss heading to the pool with my boyfriend on an afternoon that we have to ourselves to sit and relax and not have an actual paperback in my hand. Or having to figure out a way to burn all my music on a CD, or finding a way to upgrade my "outdated" car so that I can just plug in my MP3 player. I would miss having bookshelves full of movies for my kids to pick from.

In the movie Beauty and the Beast I remember the library in the Beast's mansion. I remember feeling how lucky Beauty was to be able to have that many books at her fingertips. I would be in heaven if I were to own a library like that. I do find that I differ from my best friend in how I can re-read, and re-watch the same thing several times. Yes, you can do that if you own a digital copy, but isn't there a pride of ownership that might be missing with everything being digital? Yes you "own" a digital copy of something on some device you also own... but it's not there to hold, turn over, read the insert, or the back cover.... you can not touch it.

Then in my path of thought, I think, what about love? Will that become digital? Will we all evolve into living like the people in Surrogates? Never letting our real selves be shown? Only showing the best of the best we have to offer? A copy of a copy? Reproduced multiple time, to be shared over and over?

Maybe I am just taking this a little too far. But having recently watched Wall-e, I wonder how long it will be until we are stuck in a disillusioned, coma-like state, just floating along unaware of what we really are missing.

For as long as I can, I plan to keep adding to my book shelve. And if your wondering, yes I still own a VHS player :)

Moving Day

Today is moving day. I have not taken much time to prepare. Tuesday I found out I had gotten the new place, and here it is Saturday. I have been working, and so when I got home I had not felt like packing much. And today has creeped up on me.

Here I sit on my porch wondering...What have I done? I have never viewed myself and some one who had a hard time with change, I am praised at work for being able to mold myself into whatever category they find necessary to place me in. I do find that I am a person who has moments of indecisiveness, but I didn't think that would translate over into something like moving.

I am moving into a place where the kids now can have their own space, somewhere a little newer, closer to work, somewhere I would feel comfortable having people over. Yet I look at this sunrise, I think of the back yard, my landlords, and I feel like I am moving away from home. In the entire time that I have lived here, this has never felt like "home", it has always felt like I was in a very long layover. I had not felt comfortable. But now as today has found me, I am racked with fear. Not a crippling fear, just one of "will the kids adjust", "will the neighbor above me have heavy feet", "will everything work out how I plan"... and that is where I stop myself and remember that I is not MY plan... it is HIS plan, and I am turning my life over to Him, and that He will provide for me when I see no other way.

I have found my relationship with the Lord again, not that it was ever gone, however it is stronger than before. I rest my worries in his hands, and listen to my heart. For the Lord knows me and my heart, and I should never be in fear.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.
“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

A Thin Line

A Study has shown that there are parts of the bran that are activated when feeling hate, or love. Often I sit and I think "How can I both love and hate Sunday?" Of course it is not at the same time. One week I love it. One week I hate it. Two Sundays out of the month I sit on my couch enjoying the sweet silence lingering in the air, content with the bed time stories and prayers that have become part of the nightly ritual. Then, alternatively, two Sundays out of the month I sit bitterly annoyed with the silence surrounding me.

This is my Sunday of quiet regrets. Tonight is a familiar night, I am feeling the need to be hugged, kissed, snuggled, and asked for more juice. As much as I try to distract myself, it still finds me. Especially in that moment when I lay my head down, lights are off, tv is glowing the in back ground, and I find my self looking down towards their room. That heaviness in my heart, the revolving flash backs of memories of days that feel so very long ago. And then the worrying, the pondering, the second guessing, all of it a self designed way to beat myself up.

The Sundays that signify the ending of my week always go so, with the lack of a better word, shitty. All the plans seem to fall through, there is tension in the air, boundaries are tested, buttons are pressed. I probably make a mountain out of a mole hill when it comes to all of this, but its like all I can see is me sitting on this couch, up all all hours of the night, missing them. And I will, and I do, and here I am.

I have not always made the right choices, nor have I always done everything perfectly. I will never claim that I have. I wonder if I should have toughed it out. Done something on my own to change things, or even just to have changed myself, if it meant never knowing a day with out them. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them, however changing the past is not possible. Trying to move forward, hold my head up, take in as many hugs and snuggles I can get, staying up late to eat pop corn and watch animated movies, playing tea party, crashing cars, hiding and seeking... baby steps.

One day I want to give my children the world, more often than not we as parents simple just send our kids out into the world for them to conquer it themselves. While I am trying to gather the world up into a nicely wrapped box with a bow, I hold tight to the truths that stand strong in our lives. The fact that they are loved, that I do miss them, and that they are missed when they are with me. I know that I am not alone in my feelings, every other week some one else is standing in my shoes. I thank God for the ability to want the best for them, and to be able to offer them all I have, and that they do have two parents who love them endlessly as well as unconditionally, even when we could not love ourselves.

Until next Sunday, I will be right here waiting. I love and miss you my sweet darlings.