The Power Of Love

Tonight I was going through the normal routine with the kids. Tucking in, singing our song, saying prayers, and giving one last love. Noah was starting to get a little upset about Baby Jaguar being left at his dad's house. Normally Baby Jaguar is always at my house. He sleeps with it here every night. I went on an extended vacation without them, and he wanted to bring his beloved stuffed toy along for security.

Noah and Lilly both have a sock monkey that I gave them a couple years ago, I tried to comfort Noah with the fact of I had one growing up, and that they are good stuffed animals to snuggle because when they get snuggled they soak up love. Then when you are low on love, and need more you can just give them a quick squeeze and have all the love you need.

Instantly they both started hugging away on the monkeys. It was adorable. Then they wanted to give them to me to sleep with because I do not have my sock monkey any longer (it was lost during a move when I was a kid... and you better believe my mother still is trying to make up for it). I instead encouraged them to keep snuggling the monkeys because soon enough they would end up in my bed like usual sometime in the middle of the night, therefore I would not need anything additional to snuggle.

As soon as I finished my sentence, Noah piped up with the idea that they could fill their monkeys with love, so that while they were back at their dad's house I could then snuggle the sock monkey and get love. Or as Lilly said "The sock monkey can fill up my tank with love".

I am always blown away by Noah and Lillian's complete and never wavering love for me, and the need they have to give it so freely to me. It is so touching to me that they want to ensure that I have their love while they are gone. I have the sweetest kids around, they are literally my heart extended from my body out into the world.

I can say that if they retain nothing else they have learned from me, at the very least they have acquired the ability to love from me. I know this, because I see it not just with me, but with how they are to everyone. I hope to continue to nurture this in them, as this world needs more people willing to love freely, and with out expectations.  

A Thin Line

A Study has shown that there are parts of the bran that are activated when feeling hate, or love. Often I sit and I think "How can I both love and hate Sunday?" Of course it is not at the same time. One week I love it. One week I hate it. Two Sundays out of the month I sit on my couch enjoying the sweet silence lingering in the air, content with the bed time stories and prayers that have become part of the nightly ritual. Then, alternatively, two Sundays out of the month I sit bitterly annoyed with the silence surrounding me.

This is my Sunday of quiet regrets. Tonight is a familiar night, I am feeling the need to be hugged, kissed, snuggled, and asked for more juice. As much as I try to distract myself, it still finds me. Especially in that moment when I lay my head down, lights are off, tv is glowing the in back ground, and I find my self looking down towards their room. That heaviness in my heart, the revolving flash backs of memories of days that feel so very long ago. And then the worrying, the pondering, the second guessing, all of it a self designed way to beat myself up.

The Sundays that signify the ending of my week always go so, with the lack of a better word, shitty. All the plans seem to fall through, there is tension in the air, boundaries are tested, buttons are pressed. I probably make a mountain out of a mole hill when it comes to all of this, but its like all I can see is me sitting on this couch, up all all hours of the night, missing them. And I will, and I do, and here I am.

I have not always made the right choices, nor have I always done everything perfectly. I will never claim that I have. I wonder if I should have toughed it out. Done something on my own to change things, or even just to have changed myself, if it meant never knowing a day with out them. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them, however changing the past is not possible. Trying to move forward, hold my head up, take in as many hugs and snuggles I can get, staying up late to eat pop corn and watch animated movies, playing tea party, crashing cars, hiding and seeking... baby steps.

One day I want to give my children the world, more often than not we as parents simple just send our kids out into the world for them to conquer it themselves. While I am trying to gather the world up into a nicely wrapped box with a bow, I hold tight to the truths that stand strong in our lives. The fact that they are loved, that I do miss them, and that they are missed when they are with me. I know that I am not alone in my feelings, every other week some one else is standing in my shoes. I thank God for the ability to want the best for them, and to be able to offer them all I have, and that they do have two parents who love them endlessly as well as unconditionally, even when we could not love ourselves.

Until next Sunday, I will be right here waiting. I love and miss you my sweet darlings.

Not For The Faint Of Heart

Lately we have been dealing with outbursts from Little Miss. It seems to have come out of nowhere, but then again she has always been... a spit fire. Days like these last few I feel like I should enter a safe haven for parents, it was meltdown city...

It all started yesterday with our trip to the roller rink. With it being cold outside (even though sunday it was quite nice out), we have been trying to find fun things to do indoors, while also getting some exercise. I figured this would be a fun thing for the kids to do, and fun for Jack and I to try and remember how to not fall on our butts. The first few steps, err skates, were tricky, wobbly, and I am sure if a picture would have been taken, priceless. After a while Noah got the hang of it pretty well for it being his first time. He and I made several laps around the rink with out falling. Lillian wanted to do it herself... in fact her wording was "Me do it myself!" She fell about a dozen times and had enough, she figured out it was easier for her to skate on the carpet around the outside of the rink, rather than on the wooden floor. She kept asking why she was falling, and I tried to explain that all people fall... "Why?"... "Because they do not know what they are doing at first"... "Why?"... "Because they have never done it before, and they are learning like you are"... "Why?"... You see where this was going.

It came time to leave, and for some one who really didn't want to skate, she sure threw a fit about leaving. "ME WANNA ICE SKATE MORE!" (Note to self: Bring kids ice skating) There are very few times where my kids are "Those kids", she was on her back doing only what I can describe as a lay down cartwheel spin kick, throw in some tears, a few kicks of the feet, some screaming, and tada... there you have it... a "those kids" situation.

And the first thing out of Jacks mouth... "Want some ice cream?". I fell over. I couldn't help but laugh. The tears dried up, she still refused to put on her shoes, I gave her a piggy back ride to the car, and we were off to get ice cream. I hate that she got ice cream after such a display, but she sure was cute eating her kids size twist. It reminded me of when I was young watching them eat ice cream, laughing and being the sweet silly kids I know them to be.... It was short lived.

We needed to get some groceries, so we headed to Wally world. I know in a kids mind going to a grocery store is the farthest thing from fun, besides the wide open space to run in, the clothing racks to hide in, the shiny new toys to cry for, touching everything on the isle, riding in the cart, under the cart, walking next to the cart, getting to carry things, put things in the basket... wait.. why are they not having fun?!

Some how genetically my daughter has inherited this ear piercing screech that is more high pitched than five house hold fire alarms, two car alarms, and one annoying alarm clock all mixed together. If she were to hold that scream I am pretty sure it would drop a grown man to his knees. And of course she tried to perfect her talent in the store. At this point I started to burry my face in my sweatshirt and walk just slightly ahead of Jack and the kids, and put on the "I do not know these people" face.

I had decided it was time for a big girl talk, and some consequences to start taking place. The three things she loves most in the world; Dora aka Doot Doot Doot Doot Da-Dora, Sleeping Beauty, and baby dolls. That night she lost the privilege to watch her show. The melt down started again. Code red, run for the hills, hide in your bomb shelter. She soon got over it, and occupied herself with her tea set. Then came bed time. Our new thing is for me to carry them into their bed holding them like a baby. So I carried Noah first, he was almost half asleep anyways, as I am putting him into bed, she is screaming. kicking. crying. "CARRY ME LIKE A BABY!"... I had planned on it, AFTER I tucked Noah in. At this point I just find it to be reaching a ridiculousness level that is beyond reasoning. We had a mommy daughter talk, I tried to keep it short and to the point to hold her short attention span, and to drive home the point of her behavior not being acceptable, and reenforcing that she is a good girl, and needed to start acting more like it. Stop with the "I dont wants"... which are more like "I not wanna"... and to do things when she is asked to, as in clean up her room, make her bed, put her shoes by the door... etc.

The clouds parted, I was making headway, she was getting what I was saying... or was she? The next morning, the tantrum rear its ugly head again. First about wanting me to put on her shoes while I am trying to make lunches, and check on my "Don't leave the house without" list. Once we worked past that, and the shoes were on(check), coat was on(check), lunch made(check), everyone ready to go(not check)... she wanted to bring her puzzle, which would have been fine, had it not been scattered all over the floor. No to the puzzle. Melt down. I'm not the only one to see a pattern here right? No. Meltdown. No. Meltdown. Sigh.

Somehow we made it out the door, and on to Nanny and Papa's house, where she and I seemed to have a glue bond, she refused to let go. Meltdown. I had to leave her there, like that, and go start my day at work. Lovely. Her Nanny let her cry it out on the couch in the back room, until she was ready to rejoin the group and be "nice girl". She kept on the up and up the rest of the day. Then Mommy came home. Long story short, she lost her Sleeping Beauty. The TV was still gone. We did manage to have a nice dinner, and cuddle on the couch where she fell asleep in my arms, looking sweet as ever. Lord I hope that tomorrow she is back to her normal self, or I may need some hair transplants.

It is hard to stay mad at those cute faces, but I have got to stand my ground and stay on top of this. As they say "This too shall pass". I am holding strong to that, and the will and strength to make it through the storm. Wish us luck!

Quietly Rummaging

Tonight I find myself in a mood that I familiar with. A quiet one. Listening to my inner thoughts, and trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am searching for in this life. Someone recently asked me "Well what do you want?" and I said "I just want to be happy", Which was followed with "Well what makes you happy?" And there I sat.

Generally speaking I am a happy person... So what I have already composes happiness. Of course there are other things that would make me happier, like a new house and a new car. However, those are not things that I can concern my mind with right now, they are not with in reach. And simply, they are just objects.

I have been delving into soul exploration , trying to figure out who I am at this moment, and what could be added to make my heart and mind culminate, finally agreeing to be satisfied. I put a lot onto my own shoulders, trying to make sure that everything is just right. Blaming myself for ridiculous behavior from my children, hoping that I am disciplining the right way, work, am I working hard enough, am I being too concerned over small matters, is this or that really important, home duties, washing, folding, vacuuming, the never ending "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" battle, and finding time to show the people in my life I care about them... I find that I have had little time to really think "what exactly is it that will assemble fulfillment".

So as this year comes to its finale, hope buds. New opportunities will emerge, encouraging us to move forward, try one more time. For 2011 I have decided to do many things, but they all fall into the same category; Self Discovery and Invention. Because at the end of the day, isn't the one thing that can make any of us happy, only ourselves? Are we not taught that enlightenment and bliss come from with in?

The things we do for others and for ourselves, when we do something kind for some one else with out boasting about it, when we take credit for all things we have done good or bad, helping with out having been asked, listening with out worrying about what our next reply will be, to smile, to laugh, to hold and be held, are these not things that make us all feel superb? Certainly. To be able to get to the point where we can do these things, contentment and good character has be to present, and that my friends, fuels my goal for 2011.

Here is to a more self aware, ambitious, and courageous me :)

Happy Twenty-Eleven

Happy Birthday!

25 years ago something very special was given to me. Life. I have tried very hard not to take that for granted, because what so eaisly was given can also be taken away. From my gift of life I have passed it forward twice. Noah and Lillian are the two best things I have ever been given. So today I am remembering all those people who have added to my life in one way or the other. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

My Morning:

"Hey Noah... Guess what today is?"

"What Mom?"

"It's My birthday!"

"Oh...That's cool Mom"

"Will you sing me Happy Birthday?"

"I don't know the words to Happy Birtday..."

So I sang Noah Happy Birthday. He smiled, then turned around and starting singing Lillian Happy Birthday. Haha!

Little Pleasures

I, along with most everyone else we know, have been going through tough times. They may not be similar to anyone else's, they may be identical to someone else's. To me, they are unique. To me they are MY struggles. Ones that I overcome and persevere.

However, I do have something special that I get all to myself. Little hugs, and smiles. Loving hands that grab mine, directing me towards the crayons and coloring books, towards the cars and blocks. Sweet voices asking me to play dolls, or put puzzles together. The times I have with my children are the best I know.

They are the calm to my storm, and help me to stay grounded. Getting to see the simple joys in life through their eyes is a priceless gift they have given me. A kind word, a hug, a special treat, or a movie they have been wanting to see will put the biggest of smiles on their face, a sparkle in their eye and it melts my heart. It makes me feel like a hero, and that I could do anything. I am so lucky to have them. The only thing in life that I truly hope for, is that they know how much they are loved and cared for.

I hope to continue to carry their hearts in mine, remembering to stay kind and innocent. Remembering to love everyone for who they are, and always telling them so. I hope that my heart continues to know no hate, and only compassion. And this way, there is only happiness.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hello, My name is Broken, and I am a record. I play over and over on a continuous loop, you will hear me repeat myself many times.... Hope you enjoy this little treat :)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Today, as most days, I am ever present of what time it is. My day usually ticks by in 20 minute intervals at work. But then I sit back, and I see all the years that have just whizzed by since I have had my son. And how it flew by even faster after my daughter. My home life is counted in weeks. This week, that week, paid week, non-paid week, my week, his week.

When I was younger I thought being 20 was ancient. Now I look at the 20 year old's who are in my life, and I think how they are still just babies, being ushered out into the world. How they are in college, or starting jobs. How the full weight of responsibility is bearing down on their still too fragile shoulders.

Some times I feel that I am too young to have some of the responsibilities that I have. Often I think of what it would be like if I were still only responsible for myself. Most of the time I think that if I had waited a little longer to start a home life, that I would have went back to college one more time, or found out what I really wanted to be in life so that I could offer my children a better life.

However, I am truly thankful for the distraction they give me, the purpose in life they give me. They have made me who I am, responsible. They make me push myself when I feel that I have no where else to go, they teach me to open my eyes and see everything with great opportunity. They give me so much and do not ask for anything in return but my love. And how I love them, they are the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart, the spring in my step, and always the smile that is on my face.

Every time I feel weak, beaten down, defeated, or lost, I think of them and they give me a whole new direction and perspective on my life. The older they get, the better I want to be. My baby will be two on June 5th. TWO!!!! I remember the night she was born, I remember craving to hold her, longing to kiss her, snuggle her, and love her with all that I had. Every day she surprises me with a new word, a new phrase. Last night she surprised me (partly because I was half asleep on the couch) when she woke up in the middle of the night, and I hear "PEEE PEEE". I am very surprised that my sweet little girl woke up in the middle of the night to go pee {VICTORY!}. I may be bias, but my kids are genius.

This week with my kids has pushed me into another direction. I am going to go back to school. It becomes so tiresome worrying about having enough food for us to eat, gas to drive us around, electric to keep us cool or warm, plus all the little wants they have. I want my kids to be proud to be home. I want my son to say that my house is cool like his dad's (haha... yes, yes, it is JUST a home...) I want for them to have all they need, and want (with in reason of course!), I want to breath easy, I want to truly be able to relax and not worry anymore. What kind of example am I if I just sit back and let this opportunity to pass me by? How will I ever convince them to continue their education if I do not? So here is to my sweet little ones, who have once again opened my eyes, and shown me a path that I would have walked right by.

From My heart To Yours

Noah and Lillian definitely inherited my heart. They are loving, appreciative, thankful and love to snuggle! This has been the best weekend ever. Of course I feel this way anytime I get to spend the whole day with them. This weekend was time to celebrate easter. It was a very busy weekend for them, and for me. They had an Easter egg hunt friday with their grandparents. They had another Easter egg hunt at their grandfather's sisters house, Aunt Brenda. She always does it big for the family. It is important to that side of the family to gather together and celebrate. Usually she has a HUGE, and I mean HHUUGGEE Easter egg hung, over 300 eggs hidden around her front yard, that is equally as spacious. Before the hunt, everyone is inside eating a buffet style meal, partaking in conversation and showing off the newest members to the family. Several helpers sneak away to go out and hide the dozens of eggs. There are at least 15 kids who are old enough to understand and still young enough to enjoy the hunt, a few babies who are not old enough to understand but still with the help of parents get a few eggs. For some they find the special eggs filled with money! This is part of the contest. She has had pony rides in the past, this year the economy is still in progress of getting better, so they were not there this year, so I heard. I did not attend this time. Noah with with his Dad's bothers and their families, as well as his grandparents. They had a blast! They came home touched by the sun and tuckered out.

After the kids were to bed, I made their Easter baskets, and filled Easter eggs to hid in the yard. I got Noah three books, three cars, M&M's and of course a chocolate bunny. For Lilly, she got three books, two bracelets, a headband, M&M's and chocolate bunny.

Anticipation is everything. On Christmas their Dad can hardly wait to get them up in the morning to show them what Santa brought them. I felt that way this morning. Whenever I get to see their faces light up, its amazing! And then to hear them say "Thank you Mommy" it melts my heart. While they were playing with the new things they got from the Easter Bunny, I was able to sneak out the back door for a minute and hide the eggs in the yard. They were so excited when I opened the blinds and notice some colorful eggs outside. Noah practically yelled "THE EASTER BUNNY LEFT US SOME EGGS!" So we donned some shoes, and grabbed the baskets and headed outside for the hunt. They were dashing around the yard scooping up eggs. It seemed like it only took seconds, and I wished I had filled tons more eggs! Next year, I may try to get some more eggs, and more little ones to join in on the hunt. The more the merrier!

We came in, emptied the eggs into ziplock bags, and pretty much loaded up on sugar all day. I love those two more than anything, they make all I do worth it just to see them smile!

I may be bias, but they really are the best kids ever! I am so thankful to have gotten to spend the day with them!

I don't miss you yet

I have not posted in a while, tonight is going to be just a short note from my day today.

I usually get my children back on Sundays. However their dad needed me to get them Saturday. Noah had decided he wanted to stay at his Nanny and Papa's house so he could go to church on Sunday. Not a problem with me, I don't often get alone time with Lillian, plus she is sick so I knew I could count on some good snuggle time. Lilly and I ended up falling asleep on the couch together, which totally amazed me because she has never fallen asleep with me before. Noah was always my baby who wanted to be held, and snuggled. It wasn't until about 16 months old that he finally started going to sleep in his own bed. He still slips into my bed sometime in the middle of the night every now and then. Sometimes I do not notice, and other times I miss the days when I would snuggle him, so I let him stay. Usually Lillian just get cranky until I suggest that she head to bed, where she will quickly fall asleep. So to have her crash on the couch with me was awesome!

Today Lillian and I had a great day together, we played dolly's, colored, ate lunch, took a walk outside, she took a nap, I did laundry and cleaned the house. I sat down towards the end of Lillian's nap and looked at the time. It was 4:30. My day had flown by. I also realized that I had not heard from the kid's grandparents. So I gave them a call. Noah was doing good as usual, and I said I can come pick him up, that I was going to wake Lilly up in just a bit. Nanny had run out to the store, and Papa said he would have her call me back.

About 20 min later, Lilly was up eating a snack, and Nanny called me. Noah had asked to stay the night again. I miss my little man, but I know he loves his grandparents. Noah use to be the only, and then the baby came along. I know he enjoys getting his alone times with those he loves. I did ask to talk to him to tell him I love him, and miss him. This was our conversation;

Noah: "I just want to stay at Nanny and Papa's"

Mommy: "Hi baby! I love you! You going to be a good boy for your Nanny and Papa?"

Noah: "Yes."

Mommy: "I miss you baby"

Noah: "I not miss you yet"

Mommy: "Oh, well, when you do miss me, you going to come home?"

Noah: "I just playing mommy, I miss you."

Mommy: "Ok baby, you be a good boy, love you"

Noah: "OKmommyloveyoubyyyyeee!"

Kids. Gotta love them right? Right, you can't help it.

How your cWAtch?

I tell you some days I really just love my life. I really enjoy comedy, and it seems that a lot of funny stuff happens around/to me. Unfortunately I have a horrid memory, so unless it was super funny, or I write it down (like on here) I tend to forget it. On second thought, maybe my lack of memory is the reason my life is so good! Ha!

OK, so at work my assistant manager Evelyn keeps bugging me about my work pants. I don't think they look bad, she thinks they are a little tight/look like workout pants/too short/or some other thing I can't remember. I however find that they are my most comfortable work pants. Tired of hearing it every time I wear them, I grabbed my too large to wear work pants and brought them with me today to get taken in on my lunch. I think Evelyn did a black flip, in her high heals :)

I have never had anything tailored before, so this was a new experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty good idea what was going to happen. After getting detailed directions from Evelyn, I made my way down to Jenny's Tailor in Cary. I pull up, grab my clothes and go in.

I pull open the door, and I hear this dull beep (I find out later on my way out that is is a wireless door alarm you can buy pretty much anywhere, and they taped it to the door with what appeared to be packing tape... classy). To my right there is the neon blue couch and an old Asian man zoned out on it. I hear the TV playing some sort or soap opera. He says to me "You need to try on?" and pointed to the dressing room. I said "HUH?" *haha... internal giggle here.* Then he calls to his partner in crime, Mrs. Jenny (I suppose). She comes out from behind piles, and piles of clothes hung up on racks with slips of paper attached to them. I ask her some simple questions, and then ask her as if I knew all along what I am suppose to do "You need me to try these on?" she points and says yes.

So I head in there, and pull the makeshift door closed. Change into one of the pants and sweaters, go out and show her how I want the shirt, she starts to walk away like that was all I needed, and I say "what about the pants?" and she says "what you want?" I ask her to take them in some at the waist, and then I notice that when I squat a little that the front pokes out. So she does the reach around... yea. And grabs hold of my crotch. She was in that area for what seemed like ten minutes, pinning and marking with chalk. Then the most hilarious thing ever. She looked at me stone cold and says "how's your cWAtch?"

There I am, staring at my crotch, fighting back a fit of laughter, and I just say "it's good". She points to the dressing room again, and like a lost puppy, I head back in. Change, and out again. I once again show her how I want this shirt, and then onto the pants. "How your cWATCh?" I must have had a look on my face, because she yelled it at me next, "HOW YOU CWATCH ON THIS PANT?" "Fine, its good." I even reached down and shielded it with my hand. She points, I go. Thank God that is over.

Moral of the story, New pants and shirts $60.00. Two shirts, two paints taken in $44.00. Having "How's your cWAtch?" yelled at you, priceless!

Laundry what? Dishes who?

So as usual life has been getting in the way of my blogging. Work takes most of my time, but who's does it not? Often I find myself saying, "I should be...", "I need to be...", or "Why am I not...". I have been trying to take more time out of my packed schedule to breath, and take in a TV show, chat on the computer and when my kids are home, spend every second I can with them.

My mom once passed on a very important piece of information I hold closer to my heart, more so now than ever before. She said "The dishes can wait. Laundry will be pilled up tomorrow. This moment with your babies will be gone if you miss it."

I often look back at old pictures, old home movies of when my babies were really babies. They are three and almost two. I have my hands full with them, but they are my reason for everything I do.

A little back story here would be, like a lot of people now a days, I am a single parent. My ex-husband and I take turns with the children. One week with me, One week with him... so on and so forth. It works for us, and I thank God everyday that he is such a great dad and he wants to be a part of their life as much as I do.

It took us a long time to get to where we are now. We believe in the same discipline, same values and goals. We both want what is best for our children, and we work together, still, to make sure that happens. We both went into this swearing we would never be where we are today. But it happened anyway. So now that I only see my kids every other week, it is always present to me how fast they are growing up. My son was potty trained by 20 months, and my daughter is so close to victory. I remember all the days I spent getting Noah use to the potty, telling him what its for, the training pants, the mistake of putting on big boy undies too soon, the carpet cleanings, the poo all over my bathroom floor. And now he goes in, does his thing, and needs no help from me. Some days I do miss changing the diapers, I miss making the bottles, I miss feeding them and watching them learn to feed their selves.

However, I enjoy so much watching my little boy make complete sentences, have his own ideas, seeing his personality emerge. Lillian's personality has been ever present from that first night in the hospital. It continues to grow, and I see how independent and sweet she is. And for all that they have gone through in their short lives, they are amazing. They have a lot of people in their lives that love them. And as cliche as this sounds, it really does take a village. With out the help, understanding and compassion from our families, I do not know where we would be.

So here I am kicking off my new blog. I hope that what I share finds some familiarity in your own life. I hope to share my struggles and triumphs with you, and I hope to hear yours too!

~Cholie