Quietly Rummaging

Tonight I find myself in a mood that I familiar with. A quiet one. Listening to my inner thoughts, and trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am searching for in this life. Someone recently asked me "Well what do you want?" and I said "I just want to be happy", Which was followed with "Well what makes you happy?" And there I sat.

Generally speaking I am a happy person... So what I have already composes happiness. Of course there are other things that would make me happier, like a new house and a new car. However, those are not things that I can concern my mind with right now, they are not with in reach. And simply, they are just objects.

I have been delving into soul exploration , trying to figure out who I am at this moment, and what could be added to make my heart and mind culminate, finally agreeing to be satisfied. I put a lot onto my own shoulders, trying to make sure that everything is just right. Blaming myself for ridiculous behavior from my children, hoping that I am disciplining the right way, work, am I working hard enough, am I being too concerned over small matters, is this or that really important, home duties, washing, folding, vacuuming, the never ending "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" battle, and finding time to show the people in my life I care about them... I find that I have had little time to really think "what exactly is it that will assemble fulfillment".

So as this year comes to its finale, hope buds. New opportunities will emerge, encouraging us to move forward, try one more time. For 2011 I have decided to do many things, but they all fall into the same category; Self Discovery and Invention. Because at the end of the day, isn't the one thing that can make any of us happy, only ourselves? Are we not taught that enlightenment and bliss come from with in?

The things we do for others and for ourselves, when we do something kind for some one else with out boasting about it, when we take credit for all things we have done good or bad, helping with out having been asked, listening with out worrying about what our next reply will be, to smile, to laugh, to hold and be held, are these not things that make us all feel superb? Certainly. To be able to get to the point where we can do these things, contentment and good character has be to present, and that my friends, fuels my goal for 2011.

Here is to a more self aware, ambitious, and courageous me :)

Happy Twenty-Eleven

Happy Birthday!

25 years ago something very special was given to me. Life. I have tried very hard not to take that for granted, because what so eaisly was given can also be taken away. From my gift of life I have passed it forward twice. Noah and Lillian are the two best things I have ever been given. So today I am remembering all those people who have added to my life in one way or the other. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

My Morning:

"Hey Noah... Guess what today is?"

"What Mom?"

"It's My birthday!"

"Oh...That's cool Mom"

"Will you sing me Happy Birthday?"

"I don't know the words to Happy Birtday..."

So I sang Noah Happy Birthday. He smiled, then turned around and starting singing Lillian Happy Birthday. Haha!

Little Pleasures

I, along with most everyone else we know, have been going through tough times. They may not be similar to anyone else's, they may be identical to someone else's. To me, they are unique. To me they are MY struggles. Ones that I overcome and persevere.

However, I do have something special that I get all to myself. Little hugs, and smiles. Loving hands that grab mine, directing me towards the crayons and coloring books, towards the cars and blocks. Sweet voices asking me to play dolls, or put puzzles together. The times I have with my children are the best I know.

They are the calm to my storm, and help me to stay grounded. Getting to see the simple joys in life through their eyes is a priceless gift they have given me. A kind word, a hug, a special treat, or a movie they have been wanting to see will put the biggest of smiles on their face, a sparkle in their eye and it melts my heart. It makes me feel like a hero, and that I could do anything. I am so lucky to have them. The only thing in life that I truly hope for, is that they know how much they are loved and cared for.

I hope to continue to carry their hearts in mine, remembering to stay kind and innocent. Remembering to love everyone for who they are, and always telling them so. I hope that my heart continues to know no hate, and only compassion. And this way, there is only happiness.

Dear Dad

There are far and few days in between the times I sit back and think of you. In your arms I always felt safe, under your care I had no worries. At the time I do not think you realized how much I wanted to feel belonged to, yet you never made me feel out of place. Dad, I love you.

I know I often cried myself to sleep wishing to find out who the man was that helped breath life into my soul, but all the time I did not realize it was you. I do not remember a time before you were there, and forever you will be my Dad.

I know today that you would be proud of me, and praise me for the things I have accomplished, but you should know that with out you, I would not have made it this far. With out our tragedies and short comings, you could not have helped me to become who I am today. And for that I thank you. Although you have been gone for 10 years this July, I have felt you by my side guiding me, reminding me of things I have once forgotten.

There are days when I wait for you to walk through the door, smelling like the restaurant, with the look of exhaustion showing on your face and weighing heavy on your shoulders. Your arms could not stretch wide enough to get us all in them. Remembering you is like a baseball game on a warm summer night, with a hot dog, and ice cream. It's throwing around footballs, and baseballs in the back yard. (I wish I had held onto that glove.) It's driving in the middle of the night to see the Northern Lights, fire works on the roof, and Thanksgiving. Your always here on Thanksgiving, your team is playing on my TV, I have made your stuffed celery, and I can not get enough of the togetherness of that day. You have shown me how valuable family is, and I wish every day that you could see my children smile, but somehow I am sure that you do. I love you and miss you very much.

~*~I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never with out it. where ever I go, you go... Here is the deepest secret nobody knows, here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope, or mind can hide, and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.~*~

By E.E. Cummings

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hello, My name is Broken, and I am a record. I play over and over on a continuous loop, you will hear me repeat myself many times.... Hope you enjoy this little treat :)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

Today, as most days, I am ever present of what time it is. My day usually ticks by in 20 minute intervals at work. But then I sit back, and I see all the years that have just whizzed by since I have had my son. And how it flew by even faster after my daughter. My home life is counted in weeks. This week, that week, paid week, non-paid week, my week, his week.

When I was younger I thought being 20 was ancient. Now I look at the 20 year old's who are in my life, and I think how they are still just babies, being ushered out into the world. How they are in college, or starting jobs. How the full weight of responsibility is bearing down on their still too fragile shoulders.

Some times I feel that I am too young to have some of the responsibilities that I have. Often I think of what it would be like if I were still only responsible for myself. Most of the time I think that if I had waited a little longer to start a home life, that I would have went back to college one more time, or found out what I really wanted to be in life so that I could offer my children a better life.

However, I am truly thankful for the distraction they give me, the purpose in life they give me. They have made me who I am, responsible. They make me push myself when I feel that I have no where else to go, they teach me to open my eyes and see everything with great opportunity. They give me so much and do not ask for anything in return but my love. And how I love them, they are the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart, the spring in my step, and always the smile that is on my face.

Every time I feel weak, beaten down, defeated, or lost, I think of them and they give me a whole new direction and perspective on my life. The older they get, the better I want to be. My baby will be two on June 5th. TWO!!!! I remember the night she was born, I remember craving to hold her, longing to kiss her, snuggle her, and love her with all that I had. Every day she surprises me with a new word, a new phrase. Last night she surprised me (partly because I was half asleep on the couch) when she woke up in the middle of the night, and I hear "PEEE PEEE". I am very surprised that my sweet little girl woke up in the middle of the night to go pee {VICTORY!}. I may be bias, but my kids are genius.

This week with my kids has pushed me into another direction. I am going to go back to school. It becomes so tiresome worrying about having enough food for us to eat, gas to drive us around, electric to keep us cool or warm, plus all the little wants they have. I want my kids to be proud to be home. I want my son to say that my house is cool like his dad's (haha... yes, yes, it is JUST a home...) I want for them to have all they need, and want (with in reason of course!), I want to breath easy, I want to truly be able to relax and not worry anymore. What kind of example am I if I just sit back and let this opportunity to pass me by? How will I ever convince them to continue their education if I do not? So here is to my sweet little ones, who have once again opened my eyes, and shown me a path that I would have walked right by.

Mother's Day

Dear Noah and Lillian,

I love you so much, and I miss you terribly! I am so happy that I get to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow is Mother's day, and right now your too young to know how important that is, but to me it means a lot. It reminds me of the drives to the hospital when you were on your way, it reminds me of the first laughs and giggles, the diaper changes, the small outfits, bottles, baby food... all the amazing times that have passed, and all the amazing times yet to come.

You are my world, and I love you so much, can't wait for tomorrow!

Love Mom.